Disgusting Misadventures in Geriatrics
by kaya lizzie
Summary: A continuation of Because THAT Would Be Disgusting by Mickis. The guys expose themselves to yet another episode of a crazy cartoon and discuss the hardships and tribulations of getting old.


Title: Disgusting Misadventures in Geriatrics

Author: kaya lizzie

Category: Humor

Rated: "**T" **for adult language, gratuitous crudeness and toilet humor (literally).

Summary: A continuation of "Because THAT Would Be Disgusting" by Mickis. The guys expose themselves to yet another episode of a crazy cartoon and discuss the hardships and tribulations of getting old.

**Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT or any other characters from the TMNT universe, Mr. Peter Laird of Mirage Studios does. **

**However…I, kaya lizzie, Mickis and Red Rebel own "The Three Brown Musketeers" and any other original characters that may appear in this story, as well as the storyline. I am not making any money off of this story. I am, however, probably grossing a lot of people out…which is like, the point.**

A/N: Please note that for the record, there is no such show as "The Three Brown Musketeers." It is the creation of the three crazy authors: kaya lizze, Mickis and Red Rebel. Although the members of the trio will refer to each other as 'sister,' they are not, in fact, blood related. It is in the spirit of being a team that they address each other in this fashion. Simply put, they are a trio of female heroes that defend the innocent from the perils of bodily functions and bathroom mishaps.

This story is full of crude humor and graphic descriptions, so if you aren't into this sort of subject, then it's probably not a good read for you. Read at your own risk. You have been warned.

A big "thank you" to Mickis and Red Rebel for beta work, feedback and inspiration. You chicks rock! For those of you brave enough to read this, thank you for plowing through the filth, and for those courageous enough to leave a signed review, you are a daring soul indeed. I tip my hat to thee.

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"Come on dudes, haven't we practiced enough for today?" Mike whined at his sweaty brothers as he glanced at the clock on the dojo wall for the hundredth time in thirty minutes.

Leo lowered his bokken and raised an eye ridge at his suspiciously acting brother.

"Where's tha' fire, bro? Whatcha in such a hurry for?" Raph spoke what must have been silently mulling in Leo's mind.

Mike bit his lower lip and began to display what looked like the pee-pee dance. His mind began racing as he searched for an excuse to cut his exercise time in order to get to the T.V. He glanced at the clock again and twitched nervously.

_Two minutes to show time…_

Don stopped his kata and noticed the desperate twitching of his brother. "Uh, Mikey? Is there a problem? You look like you need to go to the bathroom."

Raph snorted as he started swinging at his punching bag, "Heh, serves ya right for eatin' those bean burritos fer lunch. I told ya they would give ya a killer case o' gas."

A little light bulb brightened over Mike's head.

"Uh, yeah Raph, that's exactly right!" He began to clutch at his stomach and feign pain. "Oh man, I gotta go! Mondo blowout in 15 seconds!"

Thankful for his brother's unknown assistance, he grabbed a towel and rushed out of the dojo, leaving his brothers to shake their heads.

Leo and Don cringed at the crude innuendo and resumed their katas.

"When is that numbskull gonna learn?" Raph remarked as he began kicking the punching bag mercilessly.

Satisfied that he fooled his brothers, Mikey bounced on the couch and reached for the remote.

"Time to see the Brown Musketeer babes at work! Wonder who they're gonna rescue today?" Mike pondered as the T.V. came to life.

A commercial ended just as the familiar theme song came on, and although he didn't know all the words yet, Mike began humming along. Various motley shots of the Musketeers flashed in tune to the song which caused a Cheshire cat grin to spread across the turtle's face.

_If your ass ever explodes on your porcelain throne,_

_Never fear, the Brown Musketeers are here!_

_Scrubbing and flushing can be had with the phone _

_If you ever step in doggie turds on a hot summers day,_

_Never fear, the Brown Musketeers are here!_

_Scraping and spraying, be gone and away! _

_Kay will save the day with her violet spray!_

_Go, Brown Musketeers, go!_

_Mic will spoil your ass with TP as smooth as glass!_

_Go, Brown Musketeers, go!_

_Red will bag anything that makes you spurt and gag!_

_Go, Brown Musketeers, go!_

_United they stand, they'll always be there_

_Ready to help and comfort those in despair_

_The evil brown that lurks in the dark_

_Fairs no chance against the chicks with spark_

_So whenever you find you're in a doo-doo bind_

_Call on them and they'll be ready to find_

_The solution to your problem_

_Just a phone call away_

_The Brown Musketeers_

_They're heroes of today!_

With a lasting shot of the three girls in a dramatic Charlie's Angels pose, Mike lost his sense of secrecy and whooped loudly in appreciation of his newfound cartoon heroes.

Raph's head curiously poked out from behind the door to the dojo.

"Oh shell…" Mike moaned as he realized that he gave himself away by his excited whooping.

Raph's face contorted in confusion and disappeared, but moments later returned with his brothers in tow, walking towards Mike with towels wrapped around their shoulders.

Don was the first to speak. "Uh Mikey, what was all that about 'blowouts?' Surely you can't be finished that quickly. Bean burritos usually keep you in the bathroom for a minimum of 20 minutes."

Mike sat speechless, truly caught without an excuse. The best he could do was smile sheepishly and shrug his shoulders.

Raph stepped up and noticed the familiar cartoon characters on the screen. "Oh snap, those hot chicks are on again?" He excitedly walked up to the couch and settled down with Mikey.

Leo's eye began to twitch in disbelief and annoyance. "What? That crude cartoon is on again?"

Don also took a glance at the T.V. and quickly got sucked into the cartoon. Shrugging his shoulders at Leo, he silently made his way to the couch and joined his already drooling brothers.

Leo put his hands to his hips in a defying stance. "Don? What are you doing? I thought you agreed with me that this show was disgusting?"

Don shrugged and smiled sheepishly, "Well yes, Leo, it is disgusting. But I can't help it. Original plots and all, remember?"

Mikey grinned lopsided at his brother, "Original plot my tail! Naw dude, you like it cuz you think the chicks are hot too!" Raph chuckled at Don's sudden reddening of the cheeks and looked at Leo who still stood disbelieving.

"C'mon bro, ya know ya wanna watch it. Who knows, maybe someone will eat a 'brownie' in this episode!" Raph cracked as he laughed whole heartedly with his brothers following suit.

Leo glanced briefly at the screen, which proved to be a big mistake. His morbid curiosity got the better of him, and hanging his head in defeat, headed for Splinter's chair to join in the viewing.

The episode began with the trio walking through a parking lot, parading in their immaculate hero outfits and equipped with their various weapons, clearly oblivious to the fact that their odd appearance began to attract attention.

Red noticed the sign in front of the building and read it out loud:

"_Sundown Nursing Home"_

"Heh, 'Sundown' is right. I bet once your shriveled-up ass lands in here, you don't ever see the sun rise again," she noted in her typical smart-ass tone.

Mic smiled and replied, "Yeah, if my ass ever qualifies to end up in this kind of joint, I want you to shoot me, Kay."

Kay smiled sadistically and answered, "Noted."

The sisters waved to a few shocked residents who were being shuffled outside by their nurses as they headed towards the entrance. The automatic doors sensed their approach, and opened obediently to the visitors.

A rush of stiff smelling air blew through the doors, temporarily halting the advancement of the trio. The sisters' faces scrunched up in disgust and their hands flew up to their faces in an attempt to protect themselves from the smell of their dreaded enemy.

"Gah, it smells like turds and pee!" Mic croaked from behind her hands.

Red began fanning the air around her and screamed at her sister, "Uh, Kay! Can you do something about it?"

Kay, momentarily dazed by the stench, nodded and grabbed for her trusty can and began spraying it madly around her and her sisters in an attempt to overcome the smell. The triumph of the violet scent was short lived, however. Soon the stiff smell of excrement began to sting their noses once again, leaving them to cough and sputter in disgust. Kay shrugged her shoulders in defeat as she resumed walking.

"I'm afraid that smell is pretty common in here, sisters. Be warned," Kay noted as she shuffled through the doors and turned to the hall that lead to her destination.

Red frowned and called out after her sister, "So who is it that we're going to see in this shit hole anyway?"

Kay smiled and replied over her shoulder, her stiletto heels clicking an echo through the halls, "My shriveled-up granny, who goes by 'Gran D.' She's not doing that great health-wise, but her mind is still pretty sharp. Oh, and she's almost in a perpetual state of crabbiness."

Mic snorted, "Heh, sounds to me like she'll give Red a run for her money."

Red frowned at her vertically challenged sister and retorted, "Bite me, you turd-loving midget."

Kay stopped in front of a resident's door, who curiously had what appeared to be a scribbled sign that read, "Enter at your own risk, asshole!"

Kay smiled at the sign and remarked, "Yep, this is it." She knocked, and with a tone and pitch of voice that could be heard echoing down the hall, hollered, "Gran D, are you decent?"

A rumble of voices from disturbed residents could be heard, and various slurred swear words began floating down the hall in response to Kay's outburst.

Mic giggled under her breath at the geriatric swearing, "Old people swearing; now that's funny!"

Red stepped up next to Kay and smirked, "I don't think she heard you, Kay. Why don't you scream a little louder and maybe this time you'll wake EVERYBODY up, even the dead ones."

Kay opened her mouth to reply when a cranky voice lifted from the other side of the door, "I'm never decent, you little turd! Why do you bother to ask?"

Kay smiled and opened the door, letting her two sisters in before closing the door behind her.

Gran D lowered her magazine and eyed the younger sisters suspiciously before speaking. "Well, y'all aren't those annoying, pervert nurses who keep threatening me with an enema. Who the hades are you, then?"

Kay approached her granny as she waved at her sisters to move out of the way. Mic, deathly afraid of being in close proximity to anyone of the geriatric class, eyed the aged woman suspiciously and hid behind Kay, grabbing hold of her arm like a kid choking her security blanket.

Kay beamed as she sat on the bed next to her granny, ignoring the fact that she was losing blood flow in her arm.

"No Gran D, these are my associates, Mic," she turned and tried to move out of the way for Gran D to see her. Mic refused to allow herself to be seen by the cranky woman, and clung to her sister all the tighter and pressed herself against her sister's broad back in an attempt to remain invisible to the resident.

Kay snorted and turned to Red, who was standing in front of a wall mirror and eyeing the results of her bad hair day. "This," Kay pointed, "is my other associate, Red."

Red turned at the mentioning of her name and nodded briefly at Gran D before resuming the criticism of her uncooperative hair.

Gran D smoothed her disheveled afro of red frizz and smiled, "Well, aren't you girls all dolled up fancy-like. What's the occasion?"

Kay replied, "Well, these are our work clothes, Gran D. We go about battling the evils of the bathroom and…" Kay was cut short by Gran D, who began to frantically paw at her cane.

Securing a firm grip on the object, she began waving it violently and screamed, "Get outta my stuff you thief!" Red, who was poking through her random assortment of hair products on the table, paused to look wide-eyed at the aging woman who was about to have a coronary.

The outburst caused Kay to jump up off the bed with Mic still clinging desperately to her numbed arm, and move to the foot of the bed, way out of the reach of the cane.

Grabbing a can of ancient hair spray that contained enough CFC's to deplete the entire ozone of the Northern Hemisphere, Red looked nonchalantly at Kay and said, "What's the deal? I'm not stealing her stuff, I'm just using it to fix this crap I call a hair-do."

Kay waved a hand at Red, and before she could attempt to calm her granny down, a rather boisterous knock was heard on the door. Startled, Gran D temporarily forgot about Red raiding her hair products and screamed at the door, "Go away, I'm busy!"

Disregarding the remark, a tall but slim figure appeared through the doorway. When Kay got a good look at her, she gasped in surprise and began assessing the intruder. The woman was a nurse, by virtue of her white outfit, but the style of the uniform screamed, "Raunchy Barmaid!" The brightness of her overly bleach blonde hair was rivaled only by her overly bleached teeth, which shone in a neat little row when she smiled a smile that was powerful enough to make paint peel off the wall. Her shirt was partially unbuttoned, revealing a tight bust which threatened to spill out of its restraint at any moment. Her skirt hailed from the 'mini skirt' family and with white nylons that had the infamous lines going up the back of them, her outfit was finished off with 3 inch white stilettos.

Kay frowned at the visitor, and eyed the flashy name badge that hung dangerously on the side of one of her almost exposed twins: "Candy McSwain, R.N."

Candy glanced around the room and flashed her paint peeling smile before speaking.

"Well, how is everybody today?" she inquired with a voice that could rival a child that had been sucking helium out of a balloon.

Kay and Red cringed at the voice and Gran D just rolled her eyes.

"Hunky freakin' dory, Candy-Ass. I still can't take a shit, so how do you think I'm doing?" Gran D barked at the annoying nurse.

Ignoring the insult, Candy got an all-knowing look and replied, "Well, if you would let us give you an enema, you wouldn't be in this predicament, honey."

Gran D's face turned as red as her hair. "Ain't nobody stickin' a hose up my ass! In fact, ain't nobody stickin' ANYTHING up my ass. It's exit only! Do you hear, you slutty pervert? You can take that enema and shove it up YOUR ass for all I care, just keep the blasted thing away from me!"

Kay, Mic and Red started giggling at the outburst.

Candy frowned at the remarks but stifled her response with a calm answer, "It's gonna have to come out eventually, Gran D. I will be back soon to administer if you don't deliver quickly." Candy snorted at her own corny wit, and winked her over-glittery eye at the troubled resident.

With that, she turned to leave and Gran D picked up her unused bed pan to throw at the nurse as she exited. Kay grabbed the bed pan before she threw it, and set it down while chiding, "Now, now Gran D, be nice."

Mic, regaining some of her bravery, pulled on her sister's arm in protest, "Aw dammit, you should have let her throw it! I wanted to see Ms. Candy-Ass get mad."

"Stupid slut…seems they're giving out nursing degrees to anybody these days," Gran D muttered as the trio continued to laugh in spite of her temper tantrum. "Is that what they're teaching in med school? Someone's constipated so you shove a water hose up their ass?"

Red bent over howling and Mic and Kay clung to each other in a spastic fit of laughter.

Before anyone could regain their composure, the door burst open without courtesy of a knock, and another nurse, wearing a more conservative uniform appeared before them. She was breathing erratically and had to take several breaths before she could talk.

"Aw shit, another nurse?" Gran D started annoyingly as she shook a fist at the winded nurse. "I told that 'Candy-Ass' I didn't want an enema! Don't you sluts communicate? Or are you too busy shoving hoses up each other's asses?" Gran D finished, but not before veins began to pop out on her forehead and throb furiously.

"Y'all are the Brown Musketeers, right?" she asked frantically, eyeing the trio in desperation while ignoring the irate resident.

The trio looked at each other and Red replied in a 'duh, stupid!' tone, "Uh yeah, do ya think we'd wear these outfits if we weren't?"

"Oh thank goodness you're here! I heard what y'all did at the bar last night, you ladies are awesome!" the nurse gasped in relief and admiration.

Kay bowed at the compliment, "Yeah, uh, thanks. So what's the emergency?"

"Oh," the nurse choked, embarrassed at the fact that she temporarily forgot the reason why she was there, "Yes, there's a resident that seemed to have gotten a little too excited at the bingo game. It's pretty messy and none of the nurses want to handle the situation. I've had three residents pass out from the stench, and the poor man is trapped in his wheel chair and no one can get close enough to rescue him! Can you help us?"

The trio looked at each other simultaneously and grinned.

"My dear lady," Kay began to dramatically inform the nurse of their mission, "this is what we were born for, to …"

Mic released Kay's limp arm and slapped her across the back of her head, causing her long ponytail to swish to and fro and thus halting what was destined to be a long-winded explanation.

"Come on, drama queen, we've got an innocent to save!" Mic screamed as she stood up excitedly on the bed.

The trio scrambled towards the door, almost knocking the poor nurse over as they went.

Satisfied that the trio was out of the near vicinity, the nurse eyed Gran D evilly and turned towards the door.

"Coast is clear, Candy," she remarked just moments before the bubbly blonde appeared at the door with the necessities for administering an enema.

Candy practically pranced in the door with a mile-wide grin. "It's time to clean house, Gran D," she crooned in triumph.

Gran D whimpered as the nurses approached the side of the bed, Candy playfully waving the tube to and fro in front of her as a taunt.

"Aw shit," Gran D mumbled, reluctantly admitting defeat.

Candy laughed, "If everything goes as planned, you will indeed."

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Chapter 2 coming soon! 


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